literature

Beneath a Crescent Moon

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betwixtthepages
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Literature Text

Beneath a crescent moon, we lie,
our fingers linked and holding strong,
and watch the clouds move through the sky.
I hope this is where we belong.

Our fingers linked and holding strong,
a shadow falls on our embrace.
I hope this is where we belong,
two lost souls in the same dark place.

A shadow falls on our embrace;
fearing the dark, I start to sigh.
Two lost souls in the same dark place
beneath a crescent moon, we lie.

Fearing the dark, I start to sigh,
grasping your hand between my own.
Beneath a crescent moon, we lie,
so why do I feel so alone?

Grasping your hand between my own,
your heart is strong within your chest.
So why do I feel so alone?
I wonder: is this for the best?

Your heart is strong within your chest
somewhere beneath this cloudless sky.
I wonder: is this for the best?
Beneath a crescent moon, I cry.
Lying to yourself hurts most
when you're lying alone.

A Pantoum for :iconlacoterie:'s August Poetry Prompt:

    Write in a different style for a change! If you usually write free verse, then write a rhyming poem. If you usually rhyme, write free verse!

    Also, you MUST mention a body part somewhere in the piece.

    Up to 50 lines.

    Due August 31st.

    Critique Questions:

    Does this piece make sense? Do you understand the change at the end, with the punctuation as it is, and the word I instead of we?

    What story did you get from this?

    Does the rhyme scheme work? Did I do the pantoum correctly?

    Anything else you feel the need to point out?

    August 2011
© 2011 - 2024 betwixtthepages
Comments21
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Lychalis's avatar
Lychalis
:iconlacoterie:

I rather like this piece, it flows very nicely and makes perfect sense to me. The change at the end gives the piece quite a sad ring, although you can feel such a thing coming as you read the piece, what with your mention of fear, shadows and darkness which really helps emphasize the rift being created between these two people. I can see little wrong with this piece at all, so lucky you - you'll only find praise here. (I think the previous commenter got there first XD)

Right, the story I get? Two people, lying underneath the night sky. The world is a dark place, and the narrator is trying to find shelter and comfort in her companion, hence the use of words such as 'strong' as well as 'grasp' which I find gives a sense of her desperation to feel safe. The trouble is, her companion doesn't appear to be giving her that feeling and in fact, he may be going through the exact same thing. As you said, they are both lost, both scared. He's not helping, she's not helping, I can see the rift growing as the piece continues. Eventually, her companion leaves her alone under that night sky, with only herself to look to for solace. Which in fact, might be better - they can both find the strength to stand tall by themselves. Is that the sort of story you were going for?
If it is, it's a good'un :P

You know, I hadn't actually heard of a pantoum until I saw your piece, but as I reading it, I quickly noticed the repetition in how you structured it. I normally don't like pieces with a lot of repetition in them, but in here it works well and adds an air of simplicity, making it easier to understand the girl's feelings and conflict. It works very well with the rhyme scheme. I won't be able to tell you much more than that, I'm afraid as like I said before, I'm not familiar with the structure. Although, from what I learned when I read up on it, I reckon you've done the pantoum pretty well.

There's little else I can really think to mention other than your lovely use of lexis to convey the girl's emotions, and I think I've already mentioned that. So, I shall bring this to a close with this well known phrase:

T'was a great piece, and I really enjoyed reading it. ^_^