::Fire at Will:: Collab

dearest:

i cheated. i'm in over my head, but i drew a breath before i let this drown me out. it wasn't easy, letting go of your hands pressing mine, but it was better than being lost.

i'm sure you've probably forgotten by now. you were the soul i couldn't put down, with your wavy-thick hair (i could always get stuck in the weave) and the ways you caressed me in words. they were beautiful, and i still let them clutter my eyelids sometimes, but that doesn't change the facts. they were lies.

you promised your breaths would make the world disappear, but your asthmatic wheeze can't compete with the flaring of disappointment and failure. the bullets of heartache and fear. and i didn't think it through; i simply needed to feel closer to you...but her toes curled in opposite ways and the red of her lips didn't quite match your picture. her bangs hung too far in front of her eyes and her silence was piercing. i miss your soft moans, your eyelashes curling over your cheeks, your fingertips pressing my skin...

i'm sorry. i guess i lied, too. i'm not strong enough to be here without your teeth kissing mine. i'm not strong enough to be steady without you, when the world is blowing up by my hands and a trigger.

forever,

stephen

p.s. the war's almost over. fire at will.

june-

your name carries connotations of snapdragons at sunrise and early-evening fireflies, but i'm not seeing hope in your words. you express emotion from a frazzled pen, and while i can understand, i'm not sure i want forgiveness this time around.

the clatter of muskets and clamboring fears took your letter for granted, because while i heard your mutters in the background, my kisses were stroking her face. have i told you yet? she has sapphire blue eyes and a streak of age in her hair, but she'll never compete with your slender hands. her knuckles are stubby; when i link them with mine, there's a vague disconnect i can't stand. and i might not want forgiveness, but i still love to feel your love next to me.

don't you understand, my junebug? she's the sun setting on the explosions and all the bruises ringing my shins. she's the dark lingering like a leech on the skin, sucking me dry. sucking you out. but you...you're the dream i wake up from each morning. she might hold me at night, but you're there all the time. and i don't know if i like it...but i can't move away.

your picture is wrinkled. she ripped it from my hand three nights ago, when i said i was leaving this world behind. there were shotgun shells riddling holes in her walls and screams of betrayal scorching my ears, and i didn't care. they were right. i put my heart on your shelf as i waltzed into her bed, and it's not fair to ask you to love me. i'm not sure that i feel the same way.

have i explained? you're the hope that keeps my aim strong and true. i've dedicated all their skulls to you, and i'm scared. i'm worried some man like me will stake the claim to my heart for the woman he betrayed, but my heart is still sitting with you. she's only the warmth, after all. you're the reason my fingers have frozen. please don't let my notes tear your walls down. they are just trifles to the ways that i miss you...but i don't want you to give your heart to me. my trigger-finger is sweaty and i can't promise my mark will be true. don't let me kill you.

stephen

p.s. i still hear the cicadas chirping your name, but she's stolen the light from my eyes. the war's almost over. fire at will.

my june:

it sounds so silly now, calling you mine. you were never that girl. in fact, you were never any girl i dreamed of. you're different. unique. not just a pawn for my knight to ravage, but something special and complete. but you're sounding more cliched with every letter you pen. don't you understand? she's the thread holding my world together when all you ever give me is peace.

there is blood on my hands and i'm wondering why. yesterday, i shot a little boy down. when she rushed through the crowd, i realized i knew nothing about her. her son has a hole in his head when he only wanted a hug from the man his mom loved. i shot him for raising his arms, and i slept alone for the first time in weeks.

don't you see? it made me wake up. there's blood under my nails from trying to dig out the bullet, from struggling to set the lever to "right," but she's the first sin i committed. and when her breaths were tuned to my every thrust, i found my trigger finger far more jumpy than ever. it makes judgments i no longer approve of.

i thought i was strong, pushing you out of it all. the monster in cargo and camoflauge would never taint your pure eyes again, but i struggled in vain. she was a conquest, not an off-handed fling; a suggestion of my strength because i could make her want me with a stare.

and i'm sorry if my next words sound crude, but i won't punish myself for the crimes of my gun. in battles and wars, any movement is hostile, and he was wearing a grin when i shot him.

war changed us, my junewasp. it took love for granted and left me reaping my sins. and she shimmered at night, did i tell you? but her eyes have turned cloudy and i can sense that the ending is close. and really, i guess i only want your legs wrapped with mine, after all. the world seems much better with your warmth in my palms.

stephen

p.s. she's clawmarks and harsh words where only heaven exists within you. and i'm sorry. fire at will.

june-

it's all over here. her green eyes are staring at blood rings and stained carpets, testimony to the betrayal i've been charged with. they found me on her doorstep, "i'm sorry" tulips in my hands, and they opened fire. they don't understand: she was an innocent, and i was a fool. i played her like marbles while i strung you along, but i wasn't there to mutter false words on her pillows this time. i was there to apologize for killing her son. the soldiers didn't believe me.

i'm coming home the day after tomorrow, stripped of my badge and relieved of my duties. you can't imagine the relief that i feel. i need help.

i'm not asking permission to move home. there are too many things left unsaid that i'd rather make up for with time. and maybe, someday, you'll understand: she was fire and lightning in a world filled with death and you were too far away from my arms. but she never stole my heart. it's still there, with you.

maybe one day, we'll think back and laugh. two silly kids with their heads caught in the sky, two hearts that had to learn the hard way. and i'm not asking you to forgive me; i don't deserve even a glance...but if you could, save me some thoughts for the ride.

i'm coming home, baby, but i don't want you to meet me. i don't expect you to even let me in. i hurt you, i know. it was rotten of me to do, and she's paid the price with her life.

i'll never forget this. her son's face will always haunt the backs of my eyes. her hands will always edge phantom paths down my spine. and i'm not asking for forgiveness; i'm already damned. i just hope that one day, you can listen without cringing. she was brimstone and hell in a world of explosions, and i was naive. i never realized that all i wanted was you.

stephen

p.s. my war is over. i'll be back in town soon. please, throw a brick at my head for good measure. fire at will...and make your aim true.