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September 12, 2013
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The old moon rises,
a wrinkled man
shrouded by wispy sleeves.

Winter casts stones
over frozen lake beds;
cloud toupee slips.

Icicle flowers
stalk barren branches,
waiting for spring.

Old moon man sinks
beneath the horizon,
refusing to smile.
This is for ^Beccalicious's How Far I've Come: Writing Challenge.

I rewrote a piece from 2007 which, surprisingly, ISN'T already in my gallery. (Yes, I actually went through my binders for this!)

The piece:
    Freezing the Fall
    The old moon rises,
    breaking midnight's reverie
    and pinning down doubt.

    Silence rules the skies
    as second guesses blow in,
    shattering the peace.

    Like leaves in the wind
    you have me caught in the trees,
    questioning myself.

    Cast me like winter
    upon stones frozen and cracked,
    because I am lost.

    Only my anger
    proves my stalks have been broken,
    and you forget me.

    Only frustration
    draws you into my waters,
    but I can't drown you.

    And only your words
    can soothe the pounding in me,
    the wind furious.

    Promise me flowers
    and one thousand memories,
    even if you can't.

    The new moon rises
    upon a shattering heart,
    and you refuse me.

    Throw me tomorrow
    in frozen goodbye phrases;
    I can't stay here now.


Critique To Myself:
    Okay, first and foremost, get RID of that horrid 5-7-5 syllable count; haiku doesn't HAVE to follow that--in fact, it's encouraged it doesn't--so change it up! You need to also focus more on the NATURE--there are some lovely images here, but they're bogged down by the emotions you STATE instead of SHOW. Rely on your word choice to portray the emotions for you--poetry is nice in that you don't HAVE to be explicit, your readers will understand what you're saying. Don't LEAD them... Let them find it themselves! And you don't need to have so many haiku strung together to make the same point--you repeat yourself a few different times here, which is unnecessary and makes this wordy. So cut it down--you don't HAVE to write a full length piece to get the same message across!


September 12th, 2013
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:iconarieskin:
Arieskin Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Good lord, so good!
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:icontwilightpoetess:
TwilightPoetess Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you!
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:iconlombregrise:
lombregrise Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2013  Professional Writer
:clap: - I love the last one in particular
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:icontwilightpoetess:
TwilightPoetess Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you! :heart:
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:iconlockmancapulet:
LockmanCapulet Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Now I'm cold. This is effective writing right here.
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:icontwilightpoetess:
TwilightPoetess Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:heart: Thank you, honey. It's hard for me to revise pieces that are THIS old, as I'm not the same person I was back then--I spent FOREVER trying to figure out what piece to use until I stumbled upon the old version in my artists' comments. I'm glad the revision is effective.
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