<img class="avatar" src="a.deviantart.net/avatars/l/a/l…" alt="" title="lacoterie" />

Wooo, you have some good tension in here. I was really intrigued and a little bit scared the whole way through, apart from when the mom comes and I started to think "oh, her mom's not that bad, phew" and then i was like ARGHHH HOLY SHIT, and then i was scared again. So well done on that front!

I think the description works really well. You use language that implies something's a bit wrong the whole way through. Normally i find that a lot of description slows down a piece, but I think you used the right amount so that the pace was consistent throughout.

I didn't come across any awkward places that you need to redo, but then again i was probably busy being too terrified to notice if there was!

I think you have enough detail and i didn't come across any grammatical errors. I think that this piece is really original and has a massive impact. Possibly the most tense/scary piece i've read on dA so far! Well done!