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there was a photograph of marilyn monroe above our table at the diner tonight. it inspired me.
but when i sat down and started writing, the story i had woven in my mind turned into something else.
it became this.
i apologize for the mild language.
EDIT!!! Put in capitalizations. Maybe I'll compromise and do some with, some without? Starting here...
August 2010
but when i sat down and started writing, the story i had woven in my mind turned into something else.
it became this.
i apologize for the mild language.
EDIT!!! Put in capitalizations. Maybe I'll compromise and do some with, some without? Starting here...
August 2010
Mature
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Comments42
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Every time I sit down to write a critique on your work, I wind up with only one or two things to say. 
So, no Critmas critique for you! I will say that "She waits with bated breath as he ponders" was a glaring cliche in an otherwise great delivery of the sultry, disappointed love voice you've created.
My other niggles are just ways to tighten up/make your sentences more immediate in the reader's mind:
- "Sue chuckles softly, her heart melting at the southern twang of his words." to "Sue chuckles as her heart melts..."
- "The last time they had seen each other, Neeko had taught her how to fly and Sue had taught him how to drop a heart cold-turkey." to "The last time they saw each other, Neeko taught her how to fly and Sue taught him how...." - basically just dropping the hads as they generally make your work wordier than it actually needs to be.
Otherwise, I loved it!
You've always got something refreshing to read. Hope these comments are somehow helpful. Happy new year! 
So, no Critmas critique for you! I will say that "She waits with bated breath as he ponders" was a glaring cliche in an otherwise great delivery of the sultry, disappointed love voice you've created. My other niggles are just ways to tighten up/make your sentences more immediate in the reader's mind:
- "Sue chuckles softly, her heart melting at the southern twang of his words." to "Sue chuckles as her heart melts..."
- "The last time they had seen each other, Neeko had taught her how to fly and Sue had taught him how to drop a heart cold-turkey." to "The last time they saw each other, Neeko taught her how to fly and Sue taught him how...." - basically just dropping the hads as they generally make your work wordier than it actually needs to be.
Otherwise, I loved it!
You've always got something refreshing to read. Hope these comments are somehow helpful. Happy new year!