heart murmurs, broken dreams

paranoia:

waking from a dream
with a smile on your lips
you know shouldn't be there
(your smile
is supposed to belong to him,
after all,
the boy sleeping peacefully beside you)
sweat on your brow
because you're afraid you'll be found out
(but more,
you're afraid that it might happen
again),
and a murmur in your heart
that you thought you closed off years ago
(and perhaps you did,
really...
but dreams have a funny knack
of breaking down those walls).


fear:

wondering,
as you try to close your eyes again,
when your heart will stop haunting you in your sleep
(because your heart,
after all,
is supposed to belong to him now,
not the past)
and knowing
that your dreams are all you have these days
of someone who's hurt you much too many times
to be showing up in the middle of the night at all
(because dreams
are only dreams,
but sometimes,
the memories are overwhelming).