loneliness is a hurricane

a.

"what's beautiful?" i ask you,
voice slipping like silk
to caress the skin of your hands
molding themselves to mine,
and you say,
"you."

i sigh in exasperation
as i clutch you closer to me.

"okay...
but what about me?
my hair?
my eyes?
my lack of twig-like features?"


you laugh as i click my tongue,
feigning annoyance,
pretending impatience,
trying to make it a joke...
but there's nothing funny
about compliment-fishing
when i've never been good enough for anyone else.

when i've never been worthy.

"no.
it's the way i melt like honey
when you sing,
the chills you kiss along my spine
with just a glance.
it's the way
you're not afraid of flying at my side
or trusting me to catch you
if your wings should fail one day.


it's nothing in particular
and everything at once.

it's just love."


b.

---

"what's different?"
you ask me,
stringing your fingers through my hair
and igniting a spark in my eyes with your smile.

"you,"
i whisper against empty air,
and you laugh at the mockery in my voice
because we've had this talk before.

"well,
i know that already.
but what makes me so?"

and i shake my head
because i just can't explain,
but the dark of your gaze
makes me want, at least, to give it a try.

"i think it's your laugh.
it twinkles like weights hitting the floor
and makes me want to cover my ears.
or maybe,
it's the ways that you think
when you're caught up in your writing
and i break into your thoughts.

it's the way that you lead me
when i can't find my way,
how you realize i've been lost all along.

it's just you."


c.

---

[but i know that's not true,
because it's the heartache i feel
when we say our goodbyes.

it's the nervous anticipation i have
when i know weeks will pass by
before i see you again,
when i know the distance is great
but the magnetism is greater.

when i know
that your voice on the phone line
will never replace your words scraping my ears.]


d.

---

"what's loneliness?"
i ask you
as comets fall through the sky
and the breeze tosses our hair like lost leaves.


and for once,
i don't find it confusing
when you let loose a sigh
and take ten minutes before you respond.

for once,
i understand it all
without hearing a word.

"it's falling apart
when there's no one around.
shoving my face into the hoodies you wore once
in hopes your perfume has lingered through time.
it's listening to songs i've only heard once
and hearing you singing along;
waking at midnight and reaching for you
when you've never been there to begin with
and realizing how badly i want you to be.
it's what i feel
when you walk out the door without turning around,
because sometimes,
i wish you'd just stop.

it's those comets,
this wind...
it's everything we think about
but never acknowledge.

it's letting go."


e.

---

[so you pull me down
and we shiver til even midnight's stopped freezing,
and i can't help
but disagree with the last.

because even in silence,
we understand what's gone missing,
and i can't let go
when you make me go weak at the knees.

and loneliness
isn't letting go,
anyway.

it's just falling apart at the seams
with no one around to keep our hearts held in the right place.

it's losing you.]