time-spinning, frail organs

december

i signed the form today, the dark clouds beyond your window--

swollen with rain, bruising the sky_{--echoing the mood trapped behind closed doors.  at six, i took your bandaged hand--}careful, dear, you told me six months ago.  don't bump the i.v.--<sub>and whispered goodbye with my tears.  i whispered my secrets before you let yourself go.

do you remember growing up?  we were twenty-four, fresh out of college, and you were beautiful.  your crimped-up, decked-out, rust-red-tinted hair smelled of black licorice markers and cups of chai tea.  i buried myself in its webs that night.  begged you to take me away.

and you did, love.  the sway of your hips kissing mine stopped the world, and for ten seconds, i forgot what you told me.  for a moment, i forgot you were already moving on.</sub>

november

_{your eyes were yellow, feverish, the frailty of your failing organs much too clear in the droop of your skin.  rain pattered on the windows, a soliloquy of pain--}my heartache, your thirst, the world's every loss in a thousand hard drops_{.  at five, i moistened your tongue--}ice chips, doctors told us five months ago, will be your best friend.  but be gentle.  not too much.--<sub>and wiped sweat from your forehead with fear.

do you remember, my love?  you were a brilliant twenty-two in polka-dot stockings and lace at your wrists.  i was still awkward, too gangly yet for my age, but you took my hand anyway.  and i fell on my ass fifty times while you giggled and spun your ballet around me.  i was too scared to admit that i'd never been skating before.  instead, i took up your hand and i whispered--</sub>i'm sorry.  i guess i can't help falling for you.  care to catch me?

_{and when you laughed, belly-deep and low in your throat, i felt the world move underneath me.  little did i know, you were already fading.  for thirty minutes that day, you pirouetted me dizzy with every smile...and i watched you shine like a star.}

october

they gave up hope today, the beep of your monitors high-lighting the crack in their voices, the hurt in their eyes.  at four, they swarmed your room like flies to rotting flesh, never understanding that the flowers they brought you--

bleeding hearts just like yours--_{only drove the stake deeper in.  you took it with pride.  inside, i was screaming.  i caressed your flushed cheek--}i'm hanging on for you, you whispered four months ago.  don't let me go--<sub>and promised that you'd be okay.  i promised impossible things, convinced they might help.

do you remember, my heartstrokes?  you were lively at twenty, perfectly poised while i was tripping on words.  you found me battered at the side of the road, stopped when you should have never looked back.  i was a bad boy in black clothing, my fingers callused from plucking guitar strings, the crook of my elbow tracked with twelve scars...but you still took me in.  and when i was shivering, tongue bleeding from clamping my jaws down too hard, you held my hand tight and sang me into sleep.  and it didn't last long...i lost you before i lost my hunger for the high...but you stuck around long enough to leave an impression.

and baby, i saw the sun differently after that.  it wasn't your almost-webbed toes or your chocolate-scented skin.  no, it was deeper.  it was that look in your eyes when i said i was hurting.  it was your voice when you told me that maybe you were, as well.</sub>

september

they stopped your medications today.  you were pallid, your skin almost green, and you'd been getting worse, anyway.  i was angry.  how could they just give up like that?  how could they just let you go?  at three, i laid my head on your pillow--

shh, my love, i'm muttered three months ago.  it will all be okay.--<sub>and vented and ranted and raved.  and i cried for you.  for the things we were losing.

don't you recall, honey?  you were a pretty eighteen, just out of your braces and trying new things.  the wind, almost cold with a hint of summer and the sea, played tag with your hair as i offered the joint to your lips.  and oh, how i longed to reach out.  to kiss you.  but you took one hit and coughed like you were dying and suddenly, the joint was under your toes.  and i yelled, because it cost me a twenty and i was damned if i'd let it go to waste...and the moment faded away.

and for almost a year, you avoided my calls until i finally stopped dialing you up.  until i almost forgot who you were, how you looked, why i loved you...but babe, there's one thing you don't know.  when you tossed that joint down, when you put out the blaze, i wasn't angry at you for wasting a good time.  i was angry at me for being so stupid.  for thinking anything could be better than just being with you.</sub>

august

they admitted you this morning, your hair tangled and already falling out in my hands, your eyes pleading--

with me, with them, with the world--_{to just end the pain.  i was trembling, scared.  at two, you muttered my name through your haze--}clancey, you said two months ago.  i'm going down fast, but i'm going down swinging.  don't give up on me.  please.--<sub>and begged me to catch you.  and for a moment, i remembered the snow in your hair and the blush on your cheeks in the moonlight.  for a moment, the world was okay.

do you remember it, sweetheart?  you were a sprightly sixteen with pigtails and freckles.  you swore they were the constellations of your birth, a dragon in disguise guarding your secrets.  i was a dim-witted boy with my eyes on your lips, your hips, the ways your hands sculpted my chest.  and when i copied off you during science, you murmured that anatomy was better looked at then remembered, anyway.  and i laughed, because i agreed.

and besides, i was chasing the skirts of every girl i thought i could catch, but you were always just out of my reach.  you were too good for me, but i could still dream.</sub>

july

you told me today, in muted tones, of the treatments, the hoping.  the results of the blood test which had just ended your world.  it was sunny outside, and i remember feeling cheated.  how could the world be so beautiful when your body was failing?  at one, you took me in your arms--

don't worry, you told me one month ago.  i'm not leaving you--<sub>and reiterated the sentiments i thought you'd forgotten.  but i felt overlooked, and your skin felt like parchment in my palm, and i understood the sun was lying.

i'm sorry, my love, but you were an awkward fourteen in khaki and long tees, and i was the new boy in town.  you told me you believed in pudding, that you were a romantic at heart...and that you could teach me how to survive.  and the smoke in my hand was purely for show, but i tossed it away when you left.  you were my heaven, and i was in love, though i didn't admit it.

and sometime between getting older and growing up, i realized you took my heart with you when you left...and to be honest, i knew i wasn't sure that i wanted it back.  take me with you again now, baby, won't you?  my heart is yours.</sub>